I am so judgmental. Seriously.
But only of myself.
When it comes to other people, I see the things that matter, what is on the inside – kindness, compassion, sense of humor. When it comes to others, I pay no attention to what is on the outside. I rarely notice the clothes other people wear, I never pay attention to the size of others, if they have gained or lost weight, or what others choose to eat, healthy or unhealthy. I don’t catch myself paying attention to these or passing judgment on such things.
However, when it comes to myself, it is a totally different ballgame. I am most definitely, without a doubt, my own worst critic. Ben always tells me (really, like every night) that I am way too hard on myself. He is right – there is nobody that is more critical of me than myself.
In myself, I see things like weight, size, how healthy did I eat today? how do my clothes fit compared to last time I wore them? what did I not accomplish today that I should have? – negative, negative. I think that self-doubt enables growth and learning, but too much could definitely be a bad thing.
I do not talk to Ben (or KT, or Cassie, or anyone else) about these things in an attempt to go fishing for compliments – because compliments do not seem to matter in my mind. Ben tells me repeatedly that I look great, that I am improving at my workouts, and that I am a wonderful teacher. And while compliments are always nice, they are not helpful because they do not change my own thoughts – my own silly thoughts. “I could have, should have, would have done better if…” thoughts often fill my mind.
I think that my self-criticism can be helpful at times ~ It keeps me driven, motivated, determined, always wanting more, wanting to better myself. However, there are other times when I just need to stop and put things into perspective – majorly. I am me; I am not perfect; I am human. I have amazing family and friends; I love God; I am alive, healthy, blessed.
I want to be better at seeing myself the way I see others – I am an optimistic person when it comes to others. I constantly see the good in the people around me. My life is seriously full of amazing people – family, friends, colleagues. I need to learn to view myself more like I view these people around me.
New goal: Love myself more.