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I am so judgmental. Seriously.

But only of myself.

When it comes to other people, I see the things that matter, what is on the inside – kindness, compassion, sense of humor.  When it comes to others, I pay no attention to what is on the outside.  I rarely notice the clothes other people wear, I never pay attention to the size of others, if they have gained or lost weight, or what others choose to eat, healthy or unhealthy.  I don’t catch myself paying attention to these or passing judgment on such things.

However, when it comes to myself, it is a totally different ballgame.  I am most definitely, without a doubt, my own worst critic.  Ben always tells me (really, like every night) that I am way too hard on myself.  He is right – there is nobody that is more critical of me than myself. 

In myself, I see things like weight, size, how healthy did I eat today? how do my clothes fit compared to last time I wore them? what did I not accomplish today that I should have? – negative, negative.  I think that self-doubt enables growth and learning, but too much could definitely be a bad thing.

I do not talk to Ben (or KT, or Cassie, or anyone else) about these things in an attempt to go fishing for compliments – because compliments do not seem to matter in my mind.  Ben tells me repeatedly that I look great, that I am improving at my workouts, and that I am a wonderful teacher.  And while compliments are always nice, they are not helpful because they do not change my own thoughts – my own silly thoughts.  “I could have, should have, would have done better if…” thoughts often fill my mind.

I think that my self-criticism can be helpful at times ~ It keeps me driven, motivated, determined, always wanting more, wanting to better myself.  However, there are other times when I just need to stop and put things into perspective – majorly.  I am me; I am not perfect; I am human. I have amazing family and friends; I love God; I am alive, healthy, blessed.

I want to be better at seeing myself the way I see others – I am an optimistic person when it comes to others.  I constantly see the good in the people around me.  My life is seriously full of amazing people – family, friends, colleagues.  I need to learn to view myself more like I view these people around me.

New goal: Love myself more.

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Love, ~Ann

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